


Broken Hearts and Maladies

by Marjorie_Franklin



Series: Broken Hearts and Maladies [1]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Pre-Advent Children, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 08:12:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4093570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marjorie_Franklin/pseuds/Marjorie_Franklin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some days with Cloud were easier than others. Some days were worse than others, but he still technically lived there and Tifa held onto that fact for dear life. She'd gotten it in her head that if he was sleeping there, then he was part of their family. Everyone being under one roof meant something—at least that was what she convinced herself. No, things weren't that great but they were together. Tifa just didn't know how much longer that would last.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken Hearts and Maladies

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place between Final Fantasy VII and Advent Children. I wrote this because I don't think there are enough Tifa/Cloud stories confronting how we got the relationships/situations present in Advent Children. It's similar to On the Way to a Smile (Tifa's Case), but I added a bit more Cloud/Tifa elements, put my spin on things, and possibly tampered with the timeline a bit. Enjoy!

It was gradual. It didn't happen all at once. It wasn't like he woke up one day and was suddenly yet completely detached, cold, and absent. It started with him slowly losing his presence emotionally. He was there but he wasn't there. Tifa berated herself for not noticing earlier, for blowing it off and being a bit too caught up in dealing with her own sins and problems to see it. It had progressed to a dangerous point by the time she saw it for what it was. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe she did notice sooner but chose to ignore it because she didn't  _want_  to see it. Perhaps she was in denial. She didn't want to lose the little happiness she had obtained, the little life they had managed to weld together.

There was no point dwelling on what could have been now. She had finally learned that lesson after lots of guilt and soul searching and berating herself until she was all but recognizable. She'd dwelled on her sins and beat herself up about it until Cloud had reminded her that that wasn't who she was. She was strong and cheerful and he said that he would be there to remind her of who she really was whenever she forgot. So she did her best to remember who she was and try to live on despite the guilt and pain churning around inside her. She didn't want to be the people Barret once described, the dilly dalliers. She'd done enough of that and when Cloud said that he would be there to help her remember who she was and to help her if she dilly dallied too much, she'd believed him but now…now that things were bad again she wasn't so sure he would. She doubted he would even notice when she wasn't being herself. That was how far gone he was…

Deep down, Tifa knew it was only a matter of time before he stopped coming back. She knew Cloud even when he refused to communicate with her, when he pushed her away. She knew him better than anyone but that still didn't say much and deep down, she knew that. Perhaps she was in denial about all this too.

As she got ready for bed, she knew that tonight would probably be another night of waiting until unholy hours of the night for him to come home. She already sent the kids to bed and she busied herself afterwards. She did everything possible. She washed the clothes; the dishes, wiped off the bar at least five times, took a shower, and finally, brushed her teeth. Now, the only thing left for her to do was wait, wait in that terribly uncomfortable chair until he did or didn't come home.

Tifa dreaded it. She dreaded the day that he would finally have enough and just not come home at all. It was close. She could feel it in her bones. One day, she'd wait and wait and wait only to be met by nothing but the fact that Cloud wasn't going to come back.

Pushing that frightening yet unavoidable thought away, Tifa slouched into her chair, her bed for the time being. She wrapped a soft, gray blanket around her shoulders and settled in.

This was becoming a routine, one she didn't care for but she kept telling herself the late nights, short mornings, and long evenings away were a phase, something Cloud needed and if he needed it, she would oblige him even if she did hate being without him and waiting for him to come back. She'd rather just know if he was coming home or not instead of waiting until she was miserable, looking at the clock every few seconds and trying to determine if he was coming or not, wondering if tonight would finally be the night.

Sometimes, she couldn't wait up for him. Sleep would become too demanding and she'd fall asleep before he'd arrive but she'd wake up safe and snug in bed, knowing he'd come home, lifted her out of the chair, and placed her in bed. One of her greatest fears was waking up in that chair the next morning because if she were still in the chair the next morning, she'd know he hadn't come home. He never let her sleep in that chair if he was home…

" _Tifa!"_

Tifa leapt from the chair, her blanket falling off her shoulders as she rushed to meet the voice. It was shrill and full of panic. It made her stomach clench.

" _Tifa! Tifa!"_

"Marlene?" Tifa chased the voice and a small form crashed into her. The girl was downright frantic, breathing hard and disheveled, looking up at her with shaky eyes.

"Calm down. What's wrong?" Tifa knelt down in front of her.

"Denzel is sick!"

Tifa's heart dropped and she ran to the their room with Marlene hot on her tail. She never realized how far away their room was… It felt like she'd never get there and for a moment, she felt like she was back at Shinra…climbing those damn steps. This was nothing compared to that but she wanted to get to his room, she needed to get to his room, and it made the trip to his room feel like an eternity.

Denzel wasn't crazy about letting her care for him. He didn't like troubling her with it and often preferred Marlene's care to hers, which only intensified her worry. If Denzel was letting Marlene come to her and tell her that something was wrong, something must  _really_  and  _truly_  be wrong and that scared her.

When she finally reached Denzel's room, he was at the foot of his bed, shaking, black oozing sloppily down his forehead and face and onto the floor and bedspread. However, the dark discharge wasn't the only thing on him and the floor. There was also black vomit on his clothes and on the flooring.

He sniffled and shook his head. "I tried to get to the bathroom… I didn't make it."

"It's fine sweetie. You can't help it. Here, let's take off these clothes." Tifa did this partially to clean him up and partially to check his Geostigma. She needed to see if it had spread to any other parts of his body.

Shakily, Denzel removed his shirt and handed it to Tifa. "…I didn't mean to."

"Denzel, it is fine. I promise." Tifa gently caressed his feverish cheek before placing a hand on his forehead. Once she confirmed he indeed had a fever, she wiped as much of the black slop off his forehead and face with her shirt as she could.

The boy watched her intently and she smiled warmly at him in silent reassurance as their eyes met. He was embarrassed and scared but she wanted him to know that there was nothing for him to be ashamed of and that she understood.

Placing her hands on her hips, she tried to think of what she should confront first. "Um, let's go get you cleaned up. Marlene, go back to bed."

"But—"

"No buts. Go back to bed. Denzel is going to be fine." Tifa put a hand on Denzel's shoulder and ushered him into the bathroom as Marlene begrudgingly did as she was told.

Once they reached the bathroom, searched every inch of him for new blotches of stigma but fortunately, found none.

"Take a quick shower. I'm gonna clean up your room. Call if you need me. Okay? I'll be right down the hall."

Denzel wiped his forehead again then his weary eyes and nodded.

Tifa went downstairs, grabbed a mop, garbage bags, more sheets, a quilt, and some rags, and hauled all of it back upstairs to Denzel's room.

As she changed the bedding and scrubbed the floor, she could hear Marlene sniffling in her bed.

Sighing, Tifa stopped her current task and went to her side of the room.

"Denzel is going to be fine," she whispered and Marlene was in her arms before she knew what was happening.

Tifa shifted on the bed and held Marlene in her lap. "I don't want Denzel to go away… I don't want him to go into the Lifestream."

"He won't, sweetie. He's strong and Cloud and I won't let that happen. We'll find a cure…somehow…" Tifa said and she meant it. In a way, Denzel was her and Cloud's way of redeeming themselves. They couldn't bring back those who had been lost, those who died because of them but they could help those who remained, those who were still in need, in crisis, those like Denzel.

* * *

Once everything was clean and Marlene was asleep again, Tifa helped Denzel back to his room but not before she gave him another once over. Again, she found nothing new on his body but when she looked at his face, she saw the shadows on his forehead, shadows not caused by his damp hair.

Tifa steeled herself and pushed his hair off his forehead, revealing the patch of Geostigma. It was oozing but not as bad as it was before his shower but the sores were still hard to look at.

After she finished looking him over, Denzel walked to his bed and Tifa pulled the wrinkled, musty covers back for him. "I'll have your sheets and everything clean tomorrow. They are in the wash now but these will have to do for now."

"It's getting worse, isn't it?" Denzel held his head down, lip quivering.

"I… I'm not sure." It wasn't a complete lie. She wasn't entirely sure. "But Cloud and I will call a doctor in the morning. Now, I want you to go to bed though. Try to get some sleep. I'll be downstairs so I'll be close. Just shout if you need anything."

Calling a doctor served no purpose. There was no cure. Everyone knew that but it was all she could offer him. It just seemed like the right thing to say…

With her help, Denzel crawled back in bed. "Is Cloud back yet?"

Tifa gently placed fresh bandages on the sores on his forehead. "Not yet but he should be here in the morning."

Denzel smiled, somewhat pacified before rolling onto his side.

Tifa sat there for a long moment, running her fingers through his hair as she sat on the edge of his bed. She couldn't bring herself to leave him until she knew he was asleep.

* * *

Now that everything had settled again and Denzel's fever had dispersed, there was nothing left to do but wait. She prayed that tonight wouldn't be the night.

_Please, of all nights, don't let tonight be the night he doesn't come back. Please, Cloud, Denzel needs you…_

She would wait until she was physically unable to hold her eyes open for another moment, like she always did. She would wait either for the relief of his presence or for that disappointment of him not walking through that door…

Eventually, the door opened.

Cloud Strife walked through the small space and approached her chair. He was checking to see if she was awake. She wondered if he could see the black muck on her white tank top…

"Tifa? You awake?"

"Yeah," she whispered, rubbing the sleep from her eyes and sitting upright. "I was just dozing."

Cloud nodded and made his way to the stairwell. "Come on. Let's go to—"

"Denzel is getting worse."

Cloud froze, his eyes widening momentarily.

"He got sick, and his fever shot up, but he is asleep now. It's still just on his forehead but this is the first time he has thrown up. I told him we would talk to a doctor in the morning," she said, knowing all the questions he would ask before he ever uttered them.

Cloud nodded again. Sighing heavily, he turned, choosing not to journey upstairs and took a seat across from her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm scared."

"It'll be okay," he lied but she chose to believe it.

* * *

Things got a bit better when Denzel's condition worsened. Cloud took fewer jobs so he would be home for longer periods of time and he made sure he was home in time to spend his nights with the kids.

It wasn't as good as it had ever been but wasn't as bad either. It was better than when Marlene knew something was wrong and told Barret that she and Cloud were fighting. It was better than when she used to force empty conversation with Cloud for Marlene's sake so she'd think everything was fine. It was better than when he would drink at the bar and push her away, saying he wanted to drink alone only to have her snap and tell him that if that was the case, then he could drink in his room.

Yes, things had certainly been worse but they had also been better.

Everything was brighter for a little while, but Tifa could tell from her place behind the bar that Cloud was twitchy and ten seconds from up and leaving. He was getting ready to run. She knew the look. She knew the posture because in spite of everything, she still knew him. No matter how hard he tried to push her away, no matter how many times he ran away or hid, she still knew him. However, where he was going and for how long and why was yet to be determined.

The kids were asleep. If he were going to leave, he would leave now so there wouldn't be beseeching eyes or sweet voices pleading for him not to go. It would be easier that way. He had mastered the art of avoiding certain situations and things he thought he couldn't handle.

Cloud rose to his feet and made his way to the door just as she thought he would.

"Where are you going?" she asked, her eyes not leaving the plate she was cleaning.

"Out."

Tifa sighed. "How long will you be gone?"

"I don't know."

"Are you going to come back?"

"…I don't know." He shut the door and Tifa kicked the cabinet in.

When the kids asked about it the next day, she lied. She refused to say anything that might cause them to think less of him, their hero, _her_  hero…

* * *

What Tifa hated more than Cloud being away, was explaining to the kids why he was away for so long. They wanted reasons, reasons she couldn't give them because only Cloud truly knew why he stayed away. Tifa probably knew why but she shouldn't be the one explaining all of this. He put her in a horrible situation and she had to give them vague answers, answers that barely pacified them.

From time to time, Denzel and Marlene would sneak into her bed. It was something Marlene used to do before Denzel joined their artificial family and apparently, she felt the need to revive it. Before long, Denzel felt inclined to join her and with Cloud coming home later and later, she felt more inclined to let them. She supposed she was trying to compensate. Plus, waiting for him to come home in her bed with the kids was much better than waiting in that horrid chair.

Tifa didn't think these 'sleepovers' were _that_  bad of a habit and they didn't occur that often, only when they caught her resting before she prepared to go to her chair and wait for Cloud. There were certainly worse things that they could be doing. This was preferred to the time they tried to help out and wash clothes and ended up ruining the whole load. It was also preferred to them destroying the house or arguing. She supposed another reason she allowed the behavior to continue was because it made her feel better too, less lonely.

Marlene was to her right side and Denzel was on her left, leaving her perfectly sandwiched between.

Heavy footsteps journeyed up the steps and it wasn't long before Cloud's form was in her doorway.

Tifa knew she flat out beamed at the sight of him. She smiled so bright she thought the whole room might illuminate. She couldn't contain or hide the fact that she was overjoyed to see him.

He waved half-heartedly and eyed the sleeping arrangements in her room. He looked confused for a moment, his face a mask of unasked questions. His mouth opened and he was about to speak but ultimately chose against it. He knew she would explain in the morning and she would if he wanted her to. They had a magical way of communicating without saying a word to one another. She supposed they could thank all that time they spent together in the Lifestream for that or perhaps it was merely a result of spending so much time together…

Quietly, he entered the room as to not wake them. He ran a hand down Marlene's hair and brushed Denzel's out of his face so he could check his Geostigma.

"How was he today?" he asked softly.

"Better. No fever and not a lot of pain."

After looking at the ailment for a moment, checking for fever, and changing Denzel's bandages, Cloud patted the sleeping boy's head.

Cloud stayed in the room with them for a while, sitting at the foot of the bed by her feet. He stared at the floor then back at her occasionally. They talked periodically as well about silly little things or nothing at all like they used to. There were a few times she thought he might even smile but his mouth would only twitch before his eyes glazed over again.

Eventually, he sighed and inched toward the edge of the bed.

Tifa snatched his hand as it was about to leave the bed's surface. "Stay."

Cloud looked at her for a moment, then at the bed, and ultimately the floor before he shook his head. He apparently thought there was no room for him or that he wasn't wanted.

He couldn't be more wrong.

Tifa contemplated being persistent. She contemplated lacing their fingers and coaxing him into staying. She could probably convince him to if she really wanted to but-

Reluctantly, Tifa released his hand and respected his wishes as she always did.

He looked at her, eyes glowing in the blackness as he sat at the foot of the bed. It appeared as though he might say or do something but ultimately chose against it. Instead he sighed and rose to his feet.

"Night, Tifa," he whispered before he disappeared into the hallway.

* * *

Marlene was playing in the flowers,  _her_ flowers, flowers that still bloomed as if  _she_ were still there to tend to them every single day. They flourished and seemed to emit an unnatural, heavenly glow. They even seemed downright hazy if she looked at them long enough. They weren't normal flowers. Somehow, she knew that just like she had known that  _she_ wasn't a normal girl the first moment she laid eyes on her.

Sometimes, she was tempted to play 'what would Aeris do?' It was an old game and one she played a lot more when she was still alive and shortly after her death but still played it from time to time nonetheless. It was unhealthy and she knew that but she supposed she had been with Cloud too long and she too had become a glutton for punishment to a fault.

If Aeris were alive, how would she handle Cloud and his spiraling detachment? Technically, if Aeris were alive, Cloud wouldn't be going through this. The situation would be similar but perhaps not as grave without her death weighing on his shoulders. He slouched as if he were carrying her corpse on his back…and in a way, he did. He didn't let Aeris go that day… He didn't really let her drift to the bottom of that spring in the Forgotten City… Physically he did but emotionally he hauled her corpse with him everywhere he went.

So, if Aeris were here, she would likely have some words of encouragement, which wasn't unlike anything Tifa would do. With time, Tifa had come to the conclusion that they hadn't been _that_  different. Supporting Cloud was something they agreed on although they did so in different ways. Aeris would be warm and kind (she probably wouldn't snap at him like she did sometimes). Cloud would act indifferent or like he didn't listen but would actually take it to heart after mulling it over for a while. It took him time to ingest things…

Tifa wondered if the roles were reversed…if she had died and Aeris had lived, how different would things be? Would they be better? Would Cloud have preferred it be she instead of Aeris? Aeris probably could have kept him out of the darkness better than she had. He wouldn't be as distant. Aeris would probably be better as helping him cope. Aeris didn't have the guilt or the sins that Tifa had…

Aeris left behind a lot.

Tifa wasn't mad at Cloud. She wasn't mad at Aeris. Tifa wasn't mad at all. She was just… _upset_  by the circumstances. She was mildly resentful of trying to fix what had been broken in Aeris's wake. Aeris broke Cloud (or broke him further), unintentionally and Tifa was left to pick up the pieces only to have them slip through her fingers.

She never wanted to like her. By design she wasn't supposed to but she did. She'd fallen for her just like everyone else did. Aerith and her radiance were as infectious as everyone assumed Geostigma was.

Tifa didn't know how Cloud could stand coming here, to this church. This was the first time she'd been back here since they went back after… _everything_. She'd been so overcome by sadness and grief she couldn't stand it. All she could remember of her last visit was crying and crying and crying as she apologized over and over again. All that was left was sorrow, anguish, and pain. With Sephiroth and Shinra still around, she could convert all of the hurt and despair into anger, rage, and hatred, but once all of it was over, once there was no one left to hate, no one left to fight, she couldn't change it into anything else. She was forced to feel it and confront it as what it was and that was what she struggled with the most when they faced _'normal'_  after Meteor…after Sephiroth was gone…after Shinra was no more…

How could Cloud stand mingling with ghosts so often? How could he do this? The more she thought about it, the more she realized he didn't really do it with ease. It came at a price. She saw it in his eyes every time he allowed her to look into them. He was haunted.

Aeris was kind and gentle. Aeris didn't wish this on Cloud. She wasn't trying to curse him. Aeris adored Cloud, but he used her to haunt himself. Cloud poisoned himself with her memory. Aeris didn't want this for him anymore than she did.  _Cloud_  kept that mantle. Aeris didn't bestow it upon him. He held onto it and dwelled on it until he worked himself into a deep, perpetual misery, until he felt a constant gnawing guilt and helplessness.

No, Aeris wasn't the only thing that tormented Cloud or the only thing he used to torment and punish himself but she was potentially the source. Ultimately, there was a lot and it all ran together and slowly manifested in him until she barely recognized him anymore, until she got this detached, cold version of him she was forced to interact with. However, Tifa didn't hate him for it. She loved this version of Cloud just like any other version of him because Cloud was Cloud and she loved him regardless of what did or didn't plague him.

Tifa sat there on a worn pew inside the church, watching Marlene play in the flowers, listening to the little girl hum to herself all while seeking answers to of all this but received none.

She could feel  _her_ here. _She_  was such a presence she continued to radiate into this realm but she refused to speak to her. Tifa tried to listen and hear her will but she couldn't hear it or feel it. She just felt empty, hollow.

Honestly, she didn't even know why she was here. It was hard to be here. She supposed she had nowhere else to go. Maybe she was led here. Marlene certainly seemed to be enjoying herself and that was enough. It was nice seeing her smile again.

Marlene giggled and talked to the flowers and Tifa could tell being out of their house, out of Seventh Heaven did her good. Their house was plagued by disease and ghosts and was no longer a really pleasant place to be if she were truthful about it. Disease, death, and ghosts were present in Edge and the ruins of Midgar too but not like at home. It was personal at home and Marlene was very perceptive to all of it.

Tifa wished she could have taken Denzel with them. She couldn't help but feel it would be good for him to get some fresh air but everyone insisted the best remedy for the stigma was rest. Rest kept it at bay a bit longer so Cloud agreed to stay home with him while she and Marlene did a few chores and got out of the house for a bit. Denzel probably wanted to be with Cloud more anyway. Time with Cloud was what he yearned for. Given the choice Denzel almost always picked Cloud over her. It hurt her sometimes but she understood. Cloud was her hero too.

Tifa folded her hands in her lap and gazed up at the holes in the ceiling.

_Aeris…_

Tifa seriously began contemplating her ability to do this. It felt wrong to ask her of anything after...but tried again regardless.

_I'm not asking you to help me. I do need help but I want help so I can help **HIM.** Help me help him…please… I can do a lot for him. I can support him and be there for him but there is still only so much I can do. I feel like you are the only one that can help now. He needs all of us to get through this and he still needs something from you. He needs closure and a peace that I can't give him. He's too far away for me to reach… So…if you can hear me…help Cloud…_

* * *

Working at a bar, Tifa met lots of men and sometimes, some of those men showed interest in her. The  _interest_ was much more frequent when Cloud was away. Like everyone else, seeing Cloud there and knowing he lived there led most to believe that he and Tifa were _together_. After all, how many people who weren't romantically involved lived together and raised children together under the same roof?

According to Tifa, their relationship varied depending on the day of the week. She had become a chameleon when it came to Cloud. She was whatever he needed her to be. Sometimes she was a friend. Sometimes she was a partner. Sometimes she was a mother. Sometimes she was a lover. Sometimes she was a wife. And sometimes—sometimes she wasn't anything at all. She was doing more and more of the latter of late.

Usually, when men entered the bar and said anything  _extra_  friendly to Tifa, (if he were present) Cloud would give them looks that made them _very_  happy looks couldn't kill. He would narrow those beautiful yet deadly Mako eyes at them and he wouldn't have to say a word for the men to get the message. He was silently but sternly protective. Tifa wasn't sure how to take it. Sometimes she was flattered. It made her feel good knowing that he wanted her to himself, and sometimes she just felt that he was a child protecting an old toy, one they didn't necessarily want but one they knew for a fact they didn't want anyone else to have.

However, on that fateful day, Cloud wasn't back yet and wasn't there to ward off pursuers and a man by the name of Kal entered the bar asked for a meal and politely asked Tifa out on a date.

He was nice enough she supposed and he wasn't ugly by any means. He was tall with chocolate-brown hair and hazel eyes,  _normal_ eyes. He had a friendly smile and a warm demeanor, the kind of personality that made people want to curl up with them. He was likable by all accounts and Tifa should be all in but—

"You aren't going to go out with that punk, are you?" Denzel asked from his lax position on the bar, his arms folded on the counter, his chin practically on its smooth surface.

Denzel was supposed to be eating his lunch but he had only pushed his plate away and laid his head down on the bar instead. Lunch was just an excuse so he could get permission to get out of bed for a while.

Tifa sighed and wiped her hands on her hips. "No. Probably not."

Sure. Tifa thought about it. She even tried a few times to be…normal and date normal men but it never felt right. Tifa had been with abnormal for too long, she had  _been_  abnormal for too long. No one compared to him. Anytime she was with anyone else she could compare them to Cloud and even if Cloud paled in comparison in some of the friendlier aspects of the others, the thought of him would make her miss him and she was back where she started.

"Good. He isn't good enough for you," Denzel murmured into his arms, echoing something Cloud had said to her last time he caught her receiving attention from the opposite sex…

Tifa had taken Cloud's statement to heart. It was subtle and a bit unfair but she listened to Cloud when he grabbed her arm, pulled her away from the other man, and whispered, ' _He's not good enough for you.'_ He'd looked so sad when he said it, hurt that she was even  _considering_  seeing someone else. Because of that look, because of that statement, she hadn't given anyone a second thought since. No, it wasn't the most romantic of sentiments but it was Cloud's unique way of telling her he didn't want to see anyone else, so she wouldn't.

As Tifa watched Denzel glare daggers at the door Kal exited not too long ago, she wondered if Denzel was protective because he though Cloud would be if he were there, or because he didn't want her with anyone but Cloud. She knew Marlene didn't. She had made that  _abundantly_  clear. According to Marlene, they were made for each other... Despite everything she'd seen and heard, that girl still believed they were as right for each other as the prince and princess from her fairy-tale books.

Apparently, no one was good enough for her. Tifa had accepted a long time ago that it was Cloud or no one even though life would probably be easier with someone like Kal. Cloud was a challenge in more ways than one. He certainly wasn't easy but he was what she wanted and what she had whole-heartedly dedicated herself to. Her love was nothing if not unconditional.

Looking at Denzel's worry and relief, she wondered if this was how mothers felt when dating again after a divorce or separation. It was strange feeling like she was in a broken home that was never really whole to begin with. They had such a strange, little family (if it could even be called that), but she was so abnormal she convinced herself it was perfect for their current situation. In fact, she'd convinced herself they  _were_  a family in the first place. It was one of the many things that kept her going and persuaded her that life was worth living but it was also what she was terrified of losing. Denzel had given her hope again. He'd made her family feel complete. Marlene had been overjoyed and she and Cloud had started acting like Tifa and Cloud again. It wasn't much or even real but it was all she had and she'd hold on until she couldn't anymore and maybe even some time after that.

* * *

Marlene was a bit of a tattletale. Denzel was learning this the hard way but Tifa and Cloud had learned this a long time ago. When Barret left Marlene with her and Cloud so he could settle some things in his past, he told Marlene to take care of _them_. Marlene took the request to heart and had not faults with telling Barret what she thought was or wasn't wrong.

When things began unraveling, Marlene was the first to notice the subtle differences in Cloud and was the first to tell Barret that Tifa and Cloud weren't getting along. It had been a lesson in parenting for Tifa. She'd learned how perceptive Marlene was and it was also when she resolved to not let her and Cloud's problems affect her. She would protect her from it at any cost, so she steeled herself and talked to Cloud about things she could really care less about for Marlene's sake. She left conversations open for her but in the back of her mind, all she would think about was what she  _wanted_  to say to Cloud, what she wished they were discussing instead, things that she just didn't know how to approach.

A lot had changed since then. Things weren't as forced but Marlene still continued to tell on her every time Barret called and asked how everyone was.

" _He's a little better. He hasn't had a fever in a few days."_

Tifa could faintly hear Barret's muffled response over the sound of the customers around her.

"Cloud? Not really," Marlene replied gently.

More soft murmuring.

"Tifa looks skinny. I don't think she is eating well. She misses Cloud."

A pause and in that pause, Tifa looked down at herself. Her clothes were a bit looser... Maybe she was neglecting herself and her health. She hadn't even noticed. Between worrying about Cloud and Denzel she didn't have much time to worry about herself and her lack of appetite.

"Tifa!" Marlene called and Tifa stopped her current task so she could see what she wanted even though she already knew what she wanted.

"Hmm?"

Marlene held the phone out to her. "He wants to talk to you."

Tifa sighed but took the phone anyway. "Hello?"

"Marlene says you are too skinny. You should try eating. It's good for you. Oh, and tell Spikey to stop assing around before I come out there and-"

His voice grew so loud Tifa had to hold the speaker away from her ear and walked out of the room so the kids wouldn't hear the string of profanities that followed and him informing her of what part of his machine gun would meet which part on Cloud's body if they didn't get their act together.

Apparently, she couldn't get away fast enough because Denzel heard some of Barret's ravings and started snickering.

* * *

Some days with Cloud were easier than others. Some days were better than others, but he still technically lived there and Tifa held onto that fact for dear life. She'd gotten it in her head that if he was sleeping there, then he was part of their family. Everyone being under one roof meant something—at least that was what she convinced herself. No, things weren't that great but they  _were_ together. Tifa just didn't know how much longer that would last. Cloud said less and less and left earlier and earlier. He came back but he came back for much shorter periods of time.

He stayed for the kids. If it weren't for them, he wouldn't be here with her now. He probably would have left a long time ago...

Cloud told them his brief, shortened narratives that could almost be called stories like he always did and they asked questions until he refused to answer any more. Like everything else, the time he spent telling them about the places he had visited, his deliveries, and other 'adventures' was much briefer than it used to be. He let them help him with his routes and the orders. They acted as his little assistants but now, Cloud only gave them enough to pacify.

Tifa would join sometimes. The maps and routes were kind of their thing but she would sit nearby and give input when she could or maybe add a few details to things Cloud said or described since he was always nothing if not vague. She joined partially for herself because she felt left out but she would also join to try to prolong the moments with him for the kids.

Once Cloud finished getting the kids into bed, he returned and sat at the centre table while Tifa quietly washed dishes nearby. He sifted through the work he and the kids had done. He sorted out the slips and gave his map a quick glance, likely doing a mental run through of his route for the next day.

The silence between them was stained and not content like it used to be. Cloud had always been a man of few words and because of that, they didn't talk a great deal even on his best days. They spent a lot of their time in contented silence or sometimes he would even touch her in order to communicate a point. Tifa could still remember a time when he wanted her close, when he would crawl in bed with her and not say a word as he wound his arms around her and fell asleep like they had under a certain airship another lifetime ago… She could still remember how having him that close felt. It always left her head all fluffy and fuzzy and her belly warm. His face would rest near the crook of her neck, close enough that she could feel his steady breathing as he slept and fought off the nightmares that plagued him... She could remember feeling the desperation in his grip, his hold anytime he placed a hand on her or an arm around her. He would latch onto her like he wanted to forever tether her to him. He held her like he didn't want her to go anywhere and now she couldn't help feeling like the roles had reversed. Cloud couldn't see that she didn't want him to lose him either…that she was holding on for dear life...

Like the children, Tifa wanted to know what she had done wrong. Why had he suddenly decided that he couldn't stand being near her? When did he stop holding onto her and ensuring that she was still there with him? When did everything, their home, their family stop being enough? When had  _she_  stopped being enough?

Tifa felt that it was her fault. Perhaps in her desperation to keep him, she had been too lenient. Perhaps while she was learning to cope with her own sins and problems, she'd neglected him and missed something important that could have resulted in her helping him before they got to this point. Cloud was so hard to manage at times. Push too hard and he pulls away, don't pull enough and he drifts away anyway… There was a middle ground that had to be established with him. Cloud was Cloud and at times she didn't now of anything else to do except let him be himself.

At one point in their lives, after Sephiroth was defeated but before this relapse began, she had mastered him. She knew when to push, when to let him be, and when he'd had enough and when he secretly wanted her to reel him back in, to pull him close. But now she felt so lost. She'd never felt more detached from him and she didn't know how to fix it. Sometimes, she could muster the courage to try. She would try to reach out to him but she would either be ignored or swatted away. Everything she did had the same result and now she didn't know what to do or say.

Nothing worked anymore. Nothing. She could see him trying to pick up the pieces of his shattered life and she was trying to hard to crawl around on her belly and help him, but she couldn't offer much. She felt that the more she tried to help, the worse things got. She couldn't put him back together on her own and he seemed to have given up. It was like he'd seen what a mess had been made and decided it was beyond all hope of salvation, so he would sit there and stare at the mess, shaking his head at it, wallowing in the despair of knowing he couldn't fix it. And here she was, telling him it was fine and that they could find some way to fix it when he had convinced himself otherwise, trying to help when he'd given up…

Cloud stood without looking at her and made that long trek to the door. "I'm gonna go out for a while. I'll be back soon."

"Okay. Be careful," she said mechanically, setting a clean, dry plate on the counter.

The door shut and something inside of her snapped. What if this was it? What if he was finally leaving for good? She had to do something. She couldn't stand by and let this happen. She couldn't lose her family. It was how she coped with everything she'd done, how she moved forward and she couldn't lose it. She couldn't lose  _him_.

Throwing the dish and her rag into the sink, she ran after him, slinging the door open and heedlessly running out into the thin sheet of rain that descended from the indigo heavens above.

It was cold and acidic, but it wasn't heavy. It was light but just enough to be uncomfortable. Instantly, it latched onto her hair and clung to her skin but she didn't care.

"Cloud!"

Genuinely shocked, he stopped and spun around to face her.

"Tifa? What's wrong?" He looked sincerely concerned and for a moment, she thought he might reach out for her. He didn't but his eyes betrayed him, revealing the underlying need he had to care for her, to save her when she needed him to… It was still there somewhere, buried inside him beneath all the sorrow, pain, and regret.

"Don't run… Please…"

This was new. She hadn't tried _begging_  before and she made no conscious decision to do so. She was just so desperate and she was so tired of lying to the kids and steeling herself and being afraid of the day Cloud stopped wanting to be a part of their family. She had to try something and she supposed she was just going with her heart wanted to do, what it told her to do. She chose to listen to it.

He blinked the rain away, eyes glowing in the darkness. He looked at her for a long moment. Hurt flashed over his face and the sweetest sadness was swimming in his eyes before he cast his gaze away. He wouldn't look at her. It was like the sight of her hurt him or maybe he was afraid of what he'd do if he looked at her for too long.

"I want to understand. I know this is your problem- I want to help but…I can't do that if you won't let me."

Tifa reached out and gently grazed her fingertips across his cheek, through a strand of his pale hair, then down his jawline. It had been so long since she'd touched him. She'd spent so much time avoiding it she forgot how good it felt. He was soft, warm, and infectious... He felt... _right._

His eyes mated with hers and she felt connected to him again. He finally looked at her instead of through her. He finally let his heart look at her again.

She wanted to tell him… She wanted to tell him how much he meant to her. She might even want to finally tell him that she loved him... He might not love her but he gave her so much and she wouldn't be here now if it weren't for him. He was her happiness and she wanted to be a just sliver of it for him…

Tifa had learned to cope with her past and everything around her by accepting that she could spend her days trying to give back instead of taking. There was more to life than taking and she had finally come to terms with that. She promised to move forward and live and give back. At that moment, she wanted nothing more than to give peace back to Cloud. She wanted to see him smile again. She wanted to breathe life back into him so he would stop dilly-dallying and live as just she had learned to. If she could be a breath of life for him, if she could give him a sliver of happiness, a shard of peace…

"Tifa…I…"

It had been so long since he said her name she forgot how much she loved the way he said it… No one said or cherished her name like he did. It reminded her that he _did_  care. She was still important to him.

Tifa instinctively took a step forward. That wall around him crumbled and she saw her opening. She could finally see the crack in the steel he stubbornly wore. He was finally responding. Maybe she _did_  still know how to handle him. Maybe she hadn't lost him after all. Maybe he  _did_  still need her…

"Stay." She placed a hand on his cheek and his eyes locked with hers, those beautiful, yet damaged eyes, eyes full of pain and something else she couldn't discern. "Please?"

He closed his eyes, almost grimacing.

Her fingers traced his hairline and her thumb caressed his cheek.

He was pushing her away again and she couldn't stand it. She couldn't let him… She was so sick of it. She was sick of living like this. She had so much to say. They had so much they needed to confront and talk about but she still didn't know what to say. She was at a loss, and in her desperation, she kissed him.

Her eyes closed and she leaned into him and to her surprise, he responded after his initial shock faded. He didn't hold her and his hands remained at his sides but he did kiss her. It was tentative yet he took a moment to deepen it.

Tifa held her head back in submission and let his mouth move along hers. It was passionate and captivating yet fearful. Like always, she could only get so close to him. He almost never let her all the way in and when he did, he'd panic and shove her back out before she could get too cozy, before she could do any damage to that already tender, glass-like organ...

He seemed to lose himself for a moment, as did she. They forgot that they were in the rain, that they weren't a real family, that the pain and the sorrow was still out there and still digging into his heart, that this was out of character for them. They were lost but they didn't care. Somehow, it didn't matter.

Cloud gave her a few more quick, chaste strokes with his lips before he unhurriedly pulled away.

It ended much too soon and Tifa's eyes begged him to return to her since her mouth was too numb to do so.

Her hand was still on his cheek and he reached up to touch it. He flattened his hand atop hers, closed his eyes tightly, and leaned into her touch.

"Cloud..." she breathed but she wasn't sure if she even said it aloud.

His fingers ghosted along hers and her thumb stroked the corner of his lips. She missed having him like this. She didn't realize how much until she'd tasted him again, until she felt him again. It had been too long. It had been wrong of them to deny themselves of this part of their lives but-

"I'm… I'm sorry, Tifa…" He grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away from his face. He released her wrist, fingers trickling down her arm and her palm with the rain before he mounted Fenrir without a word. Its motor roared to life beneath him and then… Then he was gone.

Tifa stood there, holding herself as if she'd fall apart as she watched him leave. She stood there, waiting for his warmth to finally leave and for the haze to depart. She stood there staring after him long after he was out of sight.

Once she sobered and realized he wasn't coming back, she slowly backed back into Seventh Heaven.

Soaking wet and devastated, Tifa stumbled back to the bar. She made it a few steps in before she collapsed to her knees and began to cry into her damp palms.

She knew because she knew him… He would leave for good soon and there wasn't anything else she could do to stop it. He would no longer live there…with them…with her… Her family would fall apart at the seams. She'd done all she could and it still wasn't good enough.  _She_  wasn't good enough…

Wiping the tears away, Tifa began to get a hold of herself before the kids heard her and saw her like this. She had to be strong just like Cloud always told her she was.

* * *

Being right wasn't always a good thing. Cloud leaving proved that. For once, Tifa didn't want to be right but she was. It wasn't long after their encounter in the rain that Cloud left.

Not quite ready to sleep, Tifa absentmindedly wandered to the children's room. They were sleeping peacefully but she knew they were as hurt by this as she was. They knew she was lonely. They saw through her as hard as she tried for them not to. It was hard veil this hurt.

Tifa checked on Marlene first, placed another kiss on her cheek and wandered to Denzel's bed.

She took a seat on the flaxen surface and ran her hands through his hair, checking his forehead, then checking for a temperature before caressing his cheek much like the way she did the first time she laid eyes on him.

When she first saw him, he hadn't been a pretty sight, but in a way, she'd never seen anything more special or delightful. At first, she hadn't understood why Cloud chose to bring Denzel home for them to take care of. After all, there were certainly thousands more like him out there with the stigma, no homes, and no parents. She hadn't understood what made him so special until they discussed it a few days before he left.

When Cloud walked through the threshold with that precious yet damaged boy in his arms, a priceless gift covered in dirt, grime, and Geostigma, thick, black ooze running down his forehead to the floor, Cloud had said that the kid had come to his place. However, Cloud didn't care to elaborate at the time but a few days ago, he told her that he found Denzel in front of Aeris's church. Cloud's place was apparently Aeris's church. Instantly, Tifa iunderstood what had made Denzel special and why Cloud brought him to her. Cloud thought Aeris had led Denzel to the church, so he'd find him. Aeris brought that child to them. Tifa knew it instantly just as Cloud did.

The more she thought about it, she thought she might have known Denzel was intended for them the moment she heard his trembling voice on the phone that fateful day when he found Cloud's cell phone on Fenrir. He'd sounded so scared and lost and Tifa's heart ached for him although she'd never laid eyes on him, and that ache only grew when she saw him for the first time. Something had come over her, something she was sure was akin to seeing your own child for the first time. She ran to Cloud, looking right through him as she placed a hand on Denzel's pale cheek. The unconscious boy twitched and responded to her. He leaned into her touch and she loved him from that moment on even though- at the time- she didn't understand what possessed Cloud to pick him over countless others who suffered in the exact same way.

It was their fault he was an orphan. He was from Sector Seven and Sector Seven was gone because of them, his parents were gone because of them and it was her responsibility to raise him. Aeris led him to Cloud so that he could led him to her for whatever reason. Tifa used to think that Denzel was a form of glue for them. Things got better when he came into their lives. Aeris knew he was what they needed. He helped Tifa cope and feel less guilt and feel like she had some form of penance through raising him. Tifa thought it was the same for Cloud. Aeris knew Denzel could help them heal but…it wasn't enough for Cloud.

It was really up to him now. Cloud needed to forgive himself and not even Aeris could do that for him. All of this, everything they had, everything they did wouldn't be enough until Cloud forgave himself.

She though he had. He was better so she thought after that night in the rain he had finally gone out and resolved everything but when she asked about it, he said he still hadn't solved anything, that he hadn't even truly tried to. She should have known then that he would leave but he'd smiled at her. He smiled at her in a way that assured her everything would be fine and like always, she believed it just like she wanted to believe that kissing him that night was what had made him better. He looked kind and sincere and she felt warm…safe… She felt all that only to have it yanked out from under her.

Leaving the kids' room, she went back to his office and tried calling him, again. Again, she got the messaging service but she didn't let it dishearten her. Cloud  _would_ get better and he  _would_ come back and when he did, she would be here for him, smiling and waiting. She would be here for him like she always had been and always would be. He would learn to cope just like she had. She was sure of it. He would leave, but he would come back and he would smile again and that safe, warm feeling would come back with him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed my first attempt at Cloud X Tifa/Final Fantasy VII fiction!
> 
> I know this wasn't necessarily fluffy or happy, but it wasn't supposed to be. I wanted to stay as canon as possible while still attempting to make Cloud/Tifa a thing! This story was kind of my way of fixing the ambiguousness surrounding Cloud and Tifa and my way of making On the Way to a Smile more supportive of Cloti as well. Anyway, because of the darkness and angst surrounding this pairing, I felt inclined to write something for them considering I have a thing for writing dark, uncomfortable, and painful things! I thought I'd give it a try and see how it went!
> 
> I could possibly write a follow up for this from Cloud's point of view or a continuation of Tifa, but we will see! A follow up/continuation is possible, but it will likely depend on the feedback I get for this one, so speak now or forever hold your peace!
> 
> Thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoyed my first Cloud/Tifa story!


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